Vicarious restaurant review

So John Q. sends me an email with this in it: "This is where our neighbor Bill is the chef - looks pretty swanky, Jared you run with this crowd, what have you heard?"

http://www.labellevie.us/

My response is as follows.
I think you have me confused with some one else. After looking at the menu I immediately noticed that it is ala carte. I rarely eat at establishments that don't care enough for my business and decision making skills to put things into "combo meals." Combo meals that I still retain the power to super size if I so wish. Although I am sure this restaurant is as good as those reviews say I also happen to be reading BSNY and must comment accordingly. They certainly have the fancy restaurant menu formula down. You may want to open this link of the menu in a new window to follow along. http://www.labellevie.us/LaBelleViealaCarte.pdf

In a restaurant of this caliber the "first course" (also known as an appetizer at apple bees) has got to scare you a bit. Note the scare ingredient from the description each first course.
Roe=fish eggs.
Fava beans=really big beans you are supposed to like but don't in great part because of the Hannibal Lecter association.
Foie Gras= Force fed duck so the liver gets huge. Totally unethical unless someone else is paying for the meal at a fancy restaurant and you may not get to try it again. Tastes a little like liverwurst.
Ramps=unknown product fear. Is this contagious?
Rabbit loin=always sounds kind of dirty as compared to "loin of rabbit"

The second thing every fancy restaurant must have on the menu are words/food items the customer likely won't know in each item description on the menu. This menu has done a great job of inserting these words. Too many of them and the customers eyes glaze over, not enough of them and the customer may think that they could put that same thing together for about $4. In order of item description on the menu the words/food items are: Char, Carpaccio, Gewurztraminer, Ramps, Coppa-Crusted, Tapenade, Sabayon, Roquefort, Daurade, Forme d’Ambert, Brandade, Haricot Verts and Raab.

I am sure this is a lovely restaurant with good food that I would like. Kind of like how I would like to ride a $5000 carbon colnago road racing bike. Today however I am really craving a Steel Salsa commuter/touring type bike. And can you super size that for me?